y'all...we gotta GROW UP 😭

On the continued stunted adulthood of Millennials (and Gen Z) and a state of the union on the Glambot.

State of the Union 2024 highlights
Republicans: Biden Had Too Much Energy
“Don’t want to hear anything about age”
“This isn’t an episode of Veep?”
“SOTU in under a minute”
To me, the SOTU was more of a story than Super Tuesday because…Biden did well?? I listened in (on double time) and was actually impressed. Outperformed expectations, both in content and execution! Especially given the batshit Handmaid’s Tale rebuttal.

Biden and Trump nearly sweep their races
The Dread Election
Supreme Court Trump immunity: April 25
The Super Tuesday takeaways are “Welcome to 2020, with a twist (the twist being the dumb Supreme Court shit).”

Unanimous Trump ballot ruling is actually a 5–4
Supreme Court Reveals Late Change in Ruling
Speaking of: the most interesting part of the Colorado ruling was the “unanimous” ruling and the metadata saga. This also reminds: Sotomayor and Kagan…you need to retire!!

Semafor 2024 Global Election Hub
A very good resource for keeping an eye on international elections.

Congress to ByteDance: Divest from TikTok or get banned
Biden says he'll sign legislation to ban TikTok
blah blah blah here we go again blah blah anyway Biden, if you do that, you will rot.

Hochul’s NYC Subway Plan Aimed to Ease Fears
Now why is the National Guard on the subway? Why are we entering a police state again? At least we got Big Ang memes (and, no, they can’t look in your bag).

Instagram overtakes TikTok
I don’t believe you, ADAM.

TSA self-screening airport security
I think this is a great idea, considering the TSA is fake’.

Court sides with Apple, Tesla over child labor
One of the more absurd rulings, which gives tech companies a pass to be complicit in global trade that involves slave labour. The slippery slope here is fast fashion brands also getting a pass, to be able to get away with slave-like conditions in their supply chains. Truly shameful, colonialist shit!

How a lost winter upended life
“5 feet below normal snowfall”
This has been building since Christmas but 2024 will go down as…the first (of sadly many) “lost winter(s).”

“Plane loses tire”
“It just happened”
What…is going on with the airlines? Has “everything is cheap now” really evolved to this?

I was in Paris earlier this week (read about Paris trends here) — and I had an epiphany.

We were in Merci, squeezing between Millennials and Gen Z of the world, looking at various cutesy things, dodging spills dripping out of dog mouths, feeling as if in an amusement park instead of a store. The busyness isn’t the point — although it confirms the ongoing vacations-are-bad trend — but I found myself looking at inventory that felt the same as any other store in any other big city. The Bon Parfumeur fragrances, the PF Candle candles, the HAY collapsible crates, the Dusen Dusen stripe-wares, the Wonder Valley soaps, the RAINS jackets, the plastic Birkenstocks, Carhartt WIP beanies, Patagonia bags, a Molly Baz cookbook, the splatter-painted ceramics, the candles that look like produce: it’s all extremely cute and extremely playful. I love it! All things to make your home have some quirk.

But I bought nothing, because I don’t need anything and because all of these things make me feel like I’m pretending to be in my thirties versus actually being in my thirties. It makes me feel the great cultural poverty of our souls, as if you’re in a souvenir shop of these times instead of objects made of craft, of intention. Death by Shoppy Shop™, where every local Millennial “It” brand (Bon Parfumeur, Dusen Dusen, PF Candle, HAY) is somehow everywhere now. Everything and nothing is special! Merci and their cute bracelets and totes now feels like Fredericks and Mae in NYC or Poketo in LA or Not Another Bill in London, a type-of-store that can be bent and re-shaped to match any vibe: be it the more designer, a la Boston’s Top Drawer; be it the craft-focused, a la LA’s Shorthand; be it the baked good, a la BCN’s Funky Bakers; be it the Gen X, a la LA’s OK or the original Future Perfect in NYC. Millennial playfulness is now corporatized. Our “uniqueness” is now made by machine. These times of “little treat” culture feel like every cutesy thing is supposed to be a salve for all of my life’s problems, every adorable item a dopamine hit, a so-sweet kiss from an object, an intentional sunshine and moonbeam placed upon my cheek for fifty dollars. It’s not-bad but it is so boring. It captures a huge white space for the 2020s, for Gen Z and beyond to disrupt the rash of 33 year old tastemaking. This is how we end up with Ikea ripping off HAY. No one wants to work anymore!

But this is just one flavor of a problem we’ve talked about before: modern adulthood is more performance than lived experience, a funny symptom of the Millennial kidified adult reality. “Sad beige” and the Nara Smith variety of performed trad wifery and itsy bitsy Mini Brand items and tiny kitchen culture and funny brand name and the childhood snacks for grownups and the Floofs and Flings and Flewds: all of these things have the same “vibe” despite being categorically different. They are all gestures of adulthood instead of actual adulthood. Buy product: I adult. Have aesthetic: I adult. Own object: I adult.

Unique blandness or bland uniqueness, these things are all checker-printed byproducts of Millennial (and increasingly Gen Z) lives gone unlived, markers of interest in an uninteresting life lived. I put my Dusen Dusen tablecloth on my HAY table with my plate of Mini Brand bibbly-bobs as I serve my Ghia mocktails with my Woodphoria Boy Smells on so I can eat my homemade Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal for dinner and watch my Adult Dora videos. Grab the Sneeboer Bulb Dibber: we’ve got work to do! What time is our Harry Potter wedding?

Yes, this is all silly. These are all fruity loops to munch on as we live our child’s version of adulthood, nostalgia-pilling ourselves to death. But this is all to hide (or “cope”) with the real realities of the enshitification of adulthood. High rates of loneliness, an inability to hit life benchmarks, flaking as friendship, eroding mental health, adulthood roommates: goodness is so slim. There was a viral TikTok this week from a parenting coach talking about young adult (white) males who spend their lives sleeping, playing video games, and not going out, not living life. Why? Another viral therapist pointed out the obvious: this is an epidemic of non-successful adult transitions, which is especially pronounced for young men (which is another story entirely). Have you noticed a rise in suicide for young adults? Increased mortality for adults under 60? Therapy is up but everyone still feels like shit? Middle age adults using more alcohol and more marijuana? Everyone wants to quit? A loss of belief systems? You can do whatever you want as an adult, including drinking your death soda whenever you want — or stepping out entirely. You have the autonomy. Anything is valid when you’re the driver of your life.

All these things in our life, be they the splatter painted plates or Disney adulting adventures, are coping mechanisms, a seeking of joy, an attempt at owning something when you have nothing to “show” for yourself. I get it! I subscribe to it — but I’m actively trying to unsubscribe. Something has to change. Is anyone taking life seriously anymore? Is anyone seeking more from life? It can’t just be me.

Ana Mendieta’s Family Fights to Tell Her Story
This is fascinating and gets at estates in the sense of who “owns” one’s story once a person, a culture, and an idea is gone. Is it relatives? Historians? Artists? The public? Whomever can “buy the rights”? I agree with Helen Molesworth though: the audience completes the story in situations like these — but this also requires a wholly literate, proactive audience.

Sydney Sweeney Sparks 'Wokeness' Debate
Stop Talking About Sydney Sweeney’s Boobs
"from one of Canada's largest national newspapers"
If I cared more (I don’t!), I’d write about how Sydney Sweeney and her giant thangs are unproblematic faves of sight-horny right wing incel’men and aspiring trad wives. Like. That’s just Katy from Goat Story, people. Go outside! Meet real people! Get a life!

"Too much time on their hands"
“How do you feel”
“Get yourself together”
Related: “wokeness” isn’t over but a certain type of me-me-me leftism is falling out of fashion. See: the ongoing Aurora Bird saga, who has become a punching bag of “Get a LIFE!!” calls. How are people not always exhausted? I think the “I’m not voting for Blue MAGA!” people are next.

The Legacy of RuPaul
“Ru is protecting himself”
“Gay civil war”
“Rainbow capitalist drop shipping”
Big queer drama cycle this week around RuPaul: his book came out and Lady Bunny called him out for being ~a literal fracking liar~ and RuPaul also launched a dropshipping queer bookstore that literally everyone saw through.

Gen Z Broke The Marketing Funnel
I’m legally obligated to share this week’s “It” marketing story, which is a no-brainer for anyone who has literally been online. Get ready to redo your marketing strategies!

Watch Palpatine Crack Open a Cold One
“Release the Cristal cut!”
“Are you not into”
“Hold out your hand”
“Cerveza Cristal!!”
The South-American-beers-in-Star Wars thing was a highlight of the week.

“Home made rice crispy cereal!”
“I hear we’re boycotting Kellogg’s”
Two things from this (still young) year that will be studied as bellwethers in the future: the Google AI Woke thing and the Cereal For Dinner thing. The cereal thing has moved onto a phase where 1.) the boycott is having an effect and 2.) it has inspired a trend of making your own cereal. Somehow, the “cereal for dinner” may finally be our generation’s “Let them eat cake.” It’s awful and perfect.

Lawsuit would undermine labor organizing
"Stop idolizing these brands"
Speaking of: reminder to not-shop at Trader Joe’s because they are trying to dissolve all unions! Google, Amazon, Tesla: they’re all trying to dissolve unions. The cute mini totes are a distraction to appeal to your bankrupt adult dopamine cravings!

It's the Peaches Effect
I had no idea a Peaches documentary was coming out — which looks great — and this interview with the queer electro icon was maybe my favorite read of the week.

Aphex Twin clarifies position on vaccines
This is the funniest story of the week to me. Like? Aphex Twin is the ultimate troll and def an anti-vax “Just asking questions!” bro. Plus? I once met a mutual who confirmed this.

Genesis | Physical Therapy & Nick León
Maybe the first “great” song of the year? Plus a DJ SWISHA remix!! Nick…PT…yall snapped.

Tonight is the Oscars, which will be boring unless a plagiarism controversy and people beefing with a dog cause some fireworks. If not, it will be old Hollywood masturbating “Hey, kids!” in the direction of the online, via Bad Bunny and Good Ole Baby Knees. But I want to talk about something else that signifies the continued degradation of entertainment at large: the Glambot, which first hit red carpets in 2016 and has “evolved” the red carpet photo from a static image into an awkward kinda-gif that is a nightmare of eyelines, not to mention logistics. It has produced countless mini-behind-the-scenes videos that drive traffic to E! while building a fandom for this mechanical picture attraction and its meek carnival barker “host.”

Now that we’re at an age where most celebrities “get” the Glambot (and know to honor the experience), there’s something to unpack here about “this” as a modern red carpet expression and celebrity fan servicing. Glambot videos and compilations get millions upon millions upon millions upon millions upon millions of views, as it’s an artform of modelling multiplied by relatable charisma: it does the work of celebrity PR by showing that you have talent (You can do the Glambot good!) and play nice with the commons (You were nice to the Glambot Guy!). Beyond this, the Glambot has created a national neo-party phenomena with its own knockoffs, which has replaced actual photographers and photo booths at weddings and events. Last month, my mother sent me a Glambot she had taken with my nephew at an elementary school dance. Neither knew where to look. It was technically very bad. But were they happy? Yes. To feel special, in slo-mo, as the robot camera eye zooms around you!

This is all innocuous, the perfect adaptation of red carpet media for our multi-media present, but this gets at the fast-forward and slowing-down of these times. Again: these videos have so many views and they’re based on seconds of time, a handshake turned into a board meeting. A red carpet is anywhere from thirty minutes to a few hours. Red carpets are not events but simply an entry, literally getting people from point A to point B: they’ve only “become” a thing in the past two-ish decades, at the same time that the Met Gala went from industry event to international spectacle. 

Because we will not be allowed access into these hallowed halls, to experience the intimate conversations and business dealings between the world’s most entertaining elites, the Glambot acts as a techno butler to deliver us pretty moving mini-pictures that serve as an appetite suppressant for any eat-the-rich hunger pangs. E! is pumping docility into the bloodstreams of television and TikTok viewers, promising celebrity vulnerability via seconds-long ooohs and aaahs thanks to the Glambot. And the fact that you can do a Glambot near you? Oh, you really can be a celebrity too. The prophesy continues! The job of the red carpet is to advertise an event, a lifestyle, and an industry: the Glambot further milks this moment, to further sustain the spell of manufactured importance. All for what? So you can dream about joining the grown adults in formalwear watching another grown adult sing a song about a doll?

It will be interesting to see how the Glambot evolves, to see if another technology will extend our desire to somehow get more of this non-moment PR machine that is the red carpet. Will we have drones that make you a fly on the wall? Will a celebrity wear a live streaming device within an outfit? Will Cameo eventually release a tier where you can buy a date with someone to an event? Will this be the dying breath of relevance, before celebrity culture dissolves? Who knows! But more importantly: who cares? Hollywood may be gasping, but the red carpets are not. Ironic that the life support is coming from a mechanism that shows people being themselves, on camera. Just wait until they discover TikTok.

“They definitely gave Biden”
“HR before announcing layoffs”
"So cringe"
“George Santos”
Best SOTU memes.

“There’s a large conservative Republican population”
American parrot people are Republicans. Please see their outfits they’re putting these birds in.

“im crying”
I’m legally obligated to share this mega-viral teen-has-a-job video.

“happy anniversary”
Please, please brace yourselves for Covid nostalgia this week. Tomorrow is technically the “Covid anniversary.” I may write about it on Tuesday? You tell me: is that something you want to read?

“Str8 Guy Spectrum”
A very important study of Men These Day™.

"your grinder profile"
“text from my sister”
This week in supportive queer allies who are blood relations.

"Dune has its own rhythm"
One piece of Dune content that I am not hearing enough people talk about is this insane interview with the woman who did the yell-singing in the movie. It is absolutely a Christopher Guest parody and spiritual sequel to Kim Cattrall scatting.

“What it is hoe”
I am anti-theater gay but I cannot get enough of this impression of Patti Lupone singing Doechii.

“We’ll edit it”
Love the cinema.

“Ethel Cain x Cher”
"soothe my inner baby gay and religious trauma"
“And pray”
I will always stan Ethel Cain and I am enjoying this moment of Dance Music Ethel Cain. If there was an Ethel Cain dance album…I would die.

“These kids are cooked”
“OPEN THE SCHOOLS”
Some great posts about Gen A. The Camilla Cabello thing…y’all high for thinking she’s better than Charli. Wild that that is the hyperpop-pop-girlie crossover. (Also: favorite Charli post of the week.)

“Edge. Rizz.”
Speaking of: a brain rotted Gen A post that you should watch but…know that you will get brain damage watching. And, for good measure, here’s some Gen Z brain rot and I think this is technically Millennial brain rot.

"Imagine their faces"
 What would you do with nine lives? I think I would do this for at least five of mine.

“how i feel after a nap”
This is actually how I feel all the time, if you care.

“Your month: your thing”
What’s your month? Mine is Joe Biden :)

And, finally, how it feels every weekend as the writer of The Trend Report™.

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