soo this week was B A D 🫥

Awaiting the fourth horseperson of the American apocalypse while investigating the most successful fantasy factory of these times.

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US fertility rate dropped
Lowest in more than a century! I think we can connect this to what we’re going to chat about below, in the essay.

Construction on First US High-Speed Rail Has Begun
Let’s go high speed rail, girlies!!

Net neutrality restored
Another win this week, despite how shitty things were (more in a moment).

Airlines to refund passengers for canceled, delayed flights
And another win, that will put money in people’s pockets.

California: batteries as its biggest source of power twice this week
Even more good news, as this is a sign of the potential of renewable energy.

Bangladesh: Extreme heat kicks 33m kids out of schools
This is concerning, obviously. I initially was like “Maybe it’s because Bangladesh is close to the equator?” Nope: not even close. It is not even May yet.

“What Dollar General doesn’t want you to know”
“Walmart lawsuit!”
It’s not you: stores are trying to rob you by lying about prices. This plays into larger payback lawsuits in the past few months. Keep an eye on this!

Apophis's Unnervingly Close Brush With Earth
"about the asteroid"
Should we be concerned that a giant asteroid might be hitting the earth in 2029? Or should we keep on vibing, mad at everything else?

Bioplastics as toxic as regular plastics
"Bad news: bio-based (plant-based) plastics are just as toxic"
Critics call out plastics industry over "fraud of plastic recycling"
Real or not, any form of plastic — like most forms of leather — is bad for the environment. Period. This dovetails into the “do anything but change” trend that the world runs on, which we can also see in the scam that is carbon offsets. And yet! We continue pretending these solutions “work.”

Texas boy confesses to fatally shooting sleeping man
I don’t want to share this because it’s so fucked up but I have to, as it’s the second story like this in the past year, the other being the six year old who attempted to murder his teacher. 

I want to make sure we remember this week. It was important, a turning point as far as modern politics and culture. There were three warning shots fired at the same time this week, signaling that something is happening, that we’re on the edge of something.

First there were the pro-Palestine, anti-war, peaceful protests on campuses. What started as concentrated drips of discontent over the past few weeks, in very public places like New York’s Columbia University, evolved into a nationwide phenomena that was met with threats of violence, arrests, armed forces, and general vehemence. While this form of dissent is months in the making, intersecting with stories like the Claudine Gay debacle at Harvard, it’s current state is a mixture of flourishing antisemitic conspiracies and overwhelming not-listening to protestors, resulting in everything from USC’s cancelled commencement to denied constitutional rights. The matter is kicking up the obvious (American support of the Israel-Palestine conflict, the reality of free speech in the United States) while also implicating multi-generation storylines, from the problematic nature of armed forces to the necessary politicization of art to dissenting against employers to absolutely legitimate antisemitism. What’s missing here is legitimate government support that goes beyond Ilhan Omar (and a handful of others) showing up in contested spaces and the literal listening to voices of dissent, like Nicola Coughlan, like Melissa Barrera, like so many others. There is a great feeling of helplessness, that certain mechanics of free speech are breaking down as governmental and commercial interests outweigh the rights of the people to create a great gaslighting. “Fight for your rights — but don’t actually fight for anything because we will squish you,” this situations says. This sounds silly but consider that earlier this year the Supreme Court essentially allowed select states to eliminate the right to protest.

Second is the TikTok ban. What started off as an “lol they won’t” thing ended as an “uhhhhhh” thing this week as Biden signed the bill that would turn the TikTok ban into law. This may be a nothingburger, as the legality of this effort very well could collapse under TikTok’s legal power — but no matter the outcome this is an optical disastrous: no matter your political party, no matter your ideology, this effort has lost everyone on TikTok, which is one of the sharpest tools used in cutting through noise, creating culture, and “reaching voters.” This is one of the most impressive bag fumblings of all time, considering certain presidents joined TikTok in just February of this year to reach younger people. The situation is akin to the illusions of the young woman and the old woman: For lawmakers, especially Democrats, the view of this situation is seen as a win for safety via granted war aid (which will also prop up power in Israel) while transforming TikTok in the name of our safety, which Democrats say is not “to punish ByteDance, TikTok or any other individual company” and “not a ban of the service you appreciate.” For app users and lovers — a la, the 170 million Americans on the app, who are majority Gen Z but an age group concentrated between 18 and 34 — a divestment, a removing of the algorithm — The heart of TikTok! — would essentially kill the app. They are essentially going to murder (at worst) or lobotomize (at best) one of the few spots of happiness in people’s lives, which they are try to spray down with Florida water so that we won’t notice the stink of rot they’ve enabled. This is a Weekend At Bernie’s decision that politicians who are not on TikTok think is “a win.” The results will be a cultural bullet hole that would be impossible to recover from, both as far as culture making and maintaining the trust of key generations. You cannot fight for your rights and you cannot even share information, jokes, memes, and videos on your favorite app. And now you want us to vote? Good luck, babe!

The third — and somehow most “under the radar” — is the sleeping giant of the Trump trial. Not the New York trial, where Trump was almost placed in contempt, farted his way through the week, endured ritual humiliation, and inspired a man to self-immolate, but the somehow very quiet immunity hearing in the Supreme Court. The concern here is the (obviously conservative) leaning toward some sort of presidential immunity, as Justice Alito is going all in on this to ensure presidents transfer power peacefully. This, obviously, is insane: as Justice Brown Jackson observed, this would turn the Oval Office into “the seat of criminal activity in this country” while Justice Kagan connected immunity to presidents staging coups as official acts. All of this is anti-American, as the formation of the presidency was to avoid creating a monarchy, as the Times’ Jamelle Bouie notes, which was made explicit again and again by founding figures. The fact that this case is even in the Supreme Court is bad enough, as the result will likely be carving out some sort of immunities for presidents, as Rachel Maddow notes. That is the goal here: inventing ways to maintain endless power that enforces endless silence, all of which can all be shut down and made real if Trump becomes president again.

So. Let’s look at the scorecard: you cannot protest, you cannot share ideas or jokes, and the president ostensibly is going to be a king who can do whatever they like. All in one week! That is all a notching forward of a toxic soup of both losing an audience while advancing truly thoughtless actions. Something is going to explode either way as a result of this, literally and figuratively. We have to go to extremely expensive schools to learn more about our world only to be disallowed to question the systems we’ve learned are broken? You tell us to use our First Amendment rights only to be denied them? You want us to vote even though nearly six million incarcerated persons cannot vote while a felon is running for president? You’re telling me that, yet again, young people — Millennials and Gen Z — have to bear the burden of being fucked over but are required to move the mountain forward without questioning it? PSSSSSSSH.

My observation is hardly singular as many, many, many, many other voices are connecting these matters similarly this week. The vibe now is very “sit down and shut up” — and that’s not going to happen. Instead, we get four more years pause if we’re lucky and non-ceremonial presidents who can “get things done” if we’re not. Shit is bad.

let's talk about SCENTS 🌹🥸🫒
This was free to ~all~ (For now!) but the first Trend Report™ interview went down this week, featuring one of my favorite people online: writer and scent sommelier Tracy Wan. We talk about fragrances and scent trends!!

How Céline Dion Is Living With Stiff-Person Syndrome
It’s nice to see Celine back out there and talking about how she is making life work!!

Hillary, Malala Toast Their New Broadway Show
"the fact that greta remains ten toes down”
"Very cool that Malala is working alongside the former Secretary of State"
A new Broadway show produced by Hillary Clinton and Malala Yousafarzi is (rightly) being critiqued, particularly Malala. Not that she shouldn’t always, say, be in-protest but this is not a great look. It’s exactly the sort of status quo peddling that the previous essay bristles against.

Cities scramble to find trees that will survive
One of the more interesting stories of the week, about the hunt for trees that can be placed in cities and survive changing climate. Sigh.

Home Depot's New Halloween Collection
There’s a larger essay to be written about how all of our entertainment — movie studios, movie theaters, amusement parks, arcades — are now “at home.” I don’t mean this in the sense of no-one-goes-out or Covid hangovers but that over-consumption has yielded all these items now being under your roof, that individualism is dissolving the idea of shared experience and space.

The shocking truth about the money bands make on tour
For Artists, Is Playing in the US Worth Costly Visas?
Not one but two publications did recent stories on the high cost of being a musical artist if you are non-elite. This is to say: the working class continue to get priced out, no matter how their attempts to strive toward success. Will there be a moment of artists of a certain economic standing going on strike? I feel like there will be!

‘I TOLD YA’ collection
"$300 shirt when i could make this on picsart"
This is less about the price but more about something deeply weird and desperate happening in both Hollywood and fashion, where you have to build such “3D” experiences out of movies now for people to care. Between this and IMAX (combined with the Trent Reznor score) with Challengers, there’s a strange “collab” vibe happening in all of Hollywood. I flag this as this isn’t a Michael Bay movie: it’s a Luca Guadagnino movie. This seems to ladder into the A24 stagnant culture trend too. Cue Jessica Lange discussing Hollywood’s corporate creep!

Why Do Fashion Brands Suddenly Care About Furniture?
See above. These things are all related, which tie into the glutted celebrity stuff complex trend.

Brands owed millions after Matchesfashion collapse
"matchesfashion.com stock was offloaded to a reseller"
"milk, bread, eggs, an hermes birkin"
"Ann Demeulemeester on Walmart is crazy"
See above and above. This is wild.

Billie Eilish Says Masturbation Has Helped Her
“It’s beautiful to kiss people!”
"Anne Hathaway is a secret Gooner"
Horny public figures are just marketing, no? (Granted Anne isn’t “gooning” in the way you’re thinking.)

"Miranda July easily one of my fave film makers"
"Miranda July – additional vocals"
Did not expect to hear Miranda on the new Sega Bodega album. Is this marketing for her new book? I don’t think I care, actually!

The Parents Who Regret Having Children
A story of the week, which is a treat by R.O. Kwon, not to mention her carrying a cultural cross here.

“A certificate instead of a degree?”
“Do NOT do this”
"Thank you for sharing"
“There are braces techs.”
Seeing a LOT of stories about veneer techs and braces scams. These dental items are the new BBL: mark my words.

A groomed but lightly unruly beard, even skin and bright eyes. A silver chain. Bright teeth and a wide nose. Mark Zuckerberg but with swag. “He looks like my ex,” Gwenyth Paltrow said. This image is a fiction, a desire, which is being made into fact: as the Times observes, Zuckerberg is transforming, becoming cool. 

A whale of a man in a metallic towel, pale and hairless, a desaturated sausage barking forward, belly bruised, skin dimpling from suggested non-use. “new elon photo just dropped,” one person said to 22K likes. “Wow,” to 21K likes. “concerning in a good way,” to 4.3K. “No Atreides shall live,” to 67K. The image is not real. But does it matter if we want it to be real?

On YouTube, dangerous kids react to life sentences with knives, wearing orange jumpsuits, attacking officers, all documented to Courtroom Consequences’ near million subscribers. On Facebook, “today is my birthday hope I get some love here” ask a chorus of all brown faces, holding signs, dirtied and limbless, deformities threatening to eclipse their humanity, served to you by Baby Bubbles and Babbles. There is Jennifer Lopez Lover too, who muses “3 Generations in 1 Gorgeous Photo” as Jennifer Lopez stares out next to a child Jennifer Lopez along with a Jennifer Lopez who has a few visible wrinkles on her forehead. Neural Nuggets offers you a glimpse of every celebrity’s aging process on Instagram. Why not see Ariana Grande transform from age 3 to age 79? If you don’t understand math, Ice Spice teach you via onlocklearning on TikTok: base answer power with Elon, the chain rule with Arnold, newtons with Stephen Hawking and Ariana Grande. “Let her cook!” Mr. Beast yells. Don’t like Ice Spice? There’s always Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift, and Snoop Dogg who can help too. “they're arrested the holy boble,” someone on Twitter observes of a giant blessed book being strapped to the back of a police truck. “Because of woke.” “Garbage AI posts like Shrimp Jesus are destroying Facebook,” Business Insider proclaims. “Facebook’s algorithm is boosting ai spam that links to ai-generated, ad-laden click farms,” 404 Media says. In any event, “This is the America 🇺🇸 they’re trying to take away!!!”

Is any of this bad? We can have a country song about beer in my boots and a gun up my butt. We can have John Wick in Studio Ghibli’s style. We can have a classic doo wop song about gluing your balls to your butthole (again). We can have baby names that do not have vowels that reflect our intersex child’s dinosaur-human identity.

As these examples illustrate, we forget that artificial intelligence — at least in the current consumer mode — is a tool of fantasy, tools that are not based in reality and that unfortunately do have a bearing on reality. For every supposed Sora generated movie, there will be a deepfake racist recording scandal that shakes an entire school and city. For the promise of Meta AI helping you track down ex-girlfriends on Insta, there is the potential of AI media threatening global elections without any means to combat them. AI can rip off Drake while Drake uses it to rip off Tupac while smaller artists navigating entire catalogues being stolen without help, as slowed and distorted versions of songs profit off of Spotify’s system. But who cares? You can look pretty on your video calls.

AI is a fantasy factory where we are somehow in competition with ourselves, with fake shadow versions of real people and real ideas, noise made out of steel wool that is marketed as “help” but ultimately dissolves humanity, ruins lives, and reinforces the worst qualities of people. We can best find this fantasy made manifest in the technology itself, as the Humane AI Pin — which raised $230m in funding — and Rabbit — which was funded to $30m — have been rolling out to see promises made false, to technology that can barely maintain its functions as it repeatedly disappoints. All this money for what? Just to invent gadgets that phones do better? Imagine all the infrastructure and equality we could have had.

“There is something uniquely humiliating about confronting a bad replica of one’s self—and something utterly harrowing about confronting a good one,” Naomi Klein wrote of artificial intelligence in 2023’s Doppelganger. “Both carry the unmistakable shudder of the doppelganger. A shudder that turns into a quake when we realize that it is not just individuals who are being artificially copied, however poorly, but the entirety of human existence.”

Klein goes on to call the technology “a mirroring and mimicry machine” that we feed only to have them mirror back erroneous versions of the world that steal our data without reproach, all to build itself while selling you. Is this supposed to be charming? Helpful? Funny? What is the point? The time is ticking on this technology as its usefulness is truly yet to seen. But one thing is certain: AI is a fantasy machine, a constant intersectional fiction that charms and disgusts, woos and whelms. It won’t kill us but it most certainly will not make the best people of the planet stronger.

"That’s gang, thats fam"
This podcast clip of Caleb Hearon, Brittany Broski, and Drew Afualo went massively viral and is so fucking funny. The best part? The use of the term “hanging brain.” Watch and you’ll know what it means (but here’s the definition). I am obsessed and disappointed I hadn’t heard this before.

“This is a silicone queen”
“he convinces other men to inject”
I am begging normies to understand queer taxonomy before invoking it.

“TVs in gay bars”
Accurate.

"a drag race improv challenge"
The most apt descriptor, which came from an Onion video.

"nothing will prepare you for what Amanda says"
Not The Onion. But proof that I should rewatch ANTM!

"This is the headline. Now watch the video."
Also not The Onion. You gotta watch the video.

“Guys will be like”
Guys really do be like this. Best performance by a shampoo bottle you’ll see this week!

"Say sike right now"
Is there a hard reset we can push on fashion? Only Julia “I hate work.” Fox is allowed to wear this.

“Boy, now I say boy”
Best 9/11 meme you’ll see this week.

“what a 15 year old had to say”
Frontrunner for best news clip of 2024.

“If we were waiters”
They should be waiters.

“don’t embark on side quests”
We should all find ourselves inside the walls at a cousin’s wedding.

“can somebody watch my sister”
Comment “PAIMON” if you know what this means.

"why’d my dad bring our tax documents in a shein bag"
Upcycling queen. Also do NOT shop from Shein!!

“Show me your massive cat”
Top tier post.

“Quit eating nuggets with the puppets”
Welcome back, Louise Glück.

"Omg you turn 30 next month?"
The video I watched most this week.

And, finally, my face as I stare down the barrel of the future.

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