Thanks for sharing your little heart with us all. Ya gotta be vulnerable to take your shirt off and lie down for someone you've only just met - let alone share about that experience with a bunch of us out here. And in these crazy times, I salute vulnerability. It takes courage. Weird isn't it, though, the rest of it? Life and death and everything before and after, and all of it basically unknowable?!
Soā¦ just in case either of these things help.
1. When I was 22 I ended up (unexpectedly, obvs!) in a coma for three days, and then in the isolation unit of an infectious-diseases hospital for two months. Apparently, I came verrrry close to death while in the coma but made it through ā Iām sure in no small part thanks to the love of many friends and family who gathered and simply ārefused to allow me to dieā. Anyhoo, the day I got out of hospital and was driven across town by a dear friend to his apartment, I suddenly developed an irrational fear that we were going to have a car accident. (Iād never previously held such a fear.) Gradually the fear subsided, but what I was left with was the following.
Up until that day Iād had this youthful fatalism of, āHey, if Iām going to get run over by a truck today and thatās the way itās meant to be thenā¦ thatās that! I canāt do anything about it!ā But now, having been through this very real, very near-death experience, something had shifted. I still had the fatalism of, āDeath can happen at ANY time, possibly even today, but you know what? Now I know I would really prefer that it would NOT BE TODAY! I have far too much I still want to do / see / learn / experience!ā
And this feeling has stayed with me ever since. It doesnāt make me risk averse. Iām aware the proverbial killer truck is always ājust around the cornerā. But the knowledge that I dodged it one time makes me so much more grateful for every moment that Iām fortunate enough to be here.
2. Iāve had a friend not make it to twenty. (Fatal car crash.) Iāve had friends not make it thirty. (AIDS / cancer.) Iāve had more friends not make it to forty. (More AIDS, more cancer, more car accidents.) So when friends complain around their birthdays that theyāre āgetting older,ā I (try as politely as possible to) say, āShut the fuck up with your complaining, and try GRATITUDE for a change! You are so fortunate to have made it to this birthday, and every other birthday!ā
Little hearts. Stingray hearts. Fluttering hearts. Bruised and battered hearts. We are the lucky ones. Those of us whose hearts ā in the magical presence of blue skies and technicolour blossoms in spring ā are still beating. x And thanks for your writing, as always!
first, maybe youve written about this before, but this coma story is so wild. and what came after! i definitely relate, obviously, and i feel like it (death) is one of those subjects that's just so normalized that no one talks about it hence my obsession. it's the big finale! how are we not thinking about that!!! haha
second, that's exactly it. the whole (young) culture of "life sucks now i want to die" just makes me crazy: clearly you aren't living. to me, it's definitely a lack of gratitude but also a lack of actually doing something, of being a bit too relaxed with your life. when you play an active role, you are full of meaning ā and its easy to just let it all slip by. i am trying to milk this baby!! because you never know what will happen!!!!! and, to the point of friends dying prematurely, i've had a few too and that definitely was the sort of reminder of living (and for their behalf too).
You're totally welcome Mister Kyle! Sometimes I think it's a fine line - it's not a subject that needs to be talked about or thought about all the time by any means, but I think it should at least be DISCUSSABLE in less challenging ways.
I love your "When you play an active role, you are full of meaning." That's it pure and simple right there. Meaning could perhaps even get interchanged with AWARENESS. In that state I think you're neither obsessing nor avoiding, but you are consciously 'carrying' specific sets of thoughts that you can call upon when necessary.
And thank you as always for writing things that make me WANT to share!
Thanks for sharing your little heart with us all. Ya gotta be vulnerable to take your shirt off and lie down for someone you've only just met - let alone share about that experience with a bunch of us out here. And in these crazy times, I salute vulnerability. It takes courage. Weird isn't it, though, the rest of it? Life and death and everything before and after, and all of it basically unknowable?!
Soā¦ just in case either of these things help.
1. When I was 22 I ended up (unexpectedly, obvs!) in a coma for three days, and then in the isolation unit of an infectious-diseases hospital for two months. Apparently, I came verrrry close to death while in the coma but made it through ā Iām sure in no small part thanks to the love of many friends and family who gathered and simply ārefused to allow me to dieā. Anyhoo, the day I got out of hospital and was driven across town by a dear friend to his apartment, I suddenly developed an irrational fear that we were going to have a car accident. (Iād never previously held such a fear.) Gradually the fear subsided, but what I was left with was the following.
Up until that day Iād had this youthful fatalism of, āHey, if Iām going to get run over by a truck today and thatās the way itās meant to be thenā¦ thatās that! I canāt do anything about it!ā But now, having been through this very real, very near-death experience, something had shifted. I still had the fatalism of, āDeath can happen at ANY time, possibly even today, but you know what? Now I know I would really prefer that it would NOT BE TODAY! I have far too much I still want to do / see / learn / experience!ā
And this feeling has stayed with me ever since. It doesnāt make me risk averse. Iām aware the proverbial killer truck is always ājust around the cornerā. But the knowledge that I dodged it one time makes me so much more grateful for every moment that Iām fortunate enough to be here.
2. Iāve had a friend not make it to twenty. (Fatal car crash.) Iāve had friends not make it thirty. (AIDS / cancer.) Iāve had more friends not make it to forty. (More AIDS, more cancer, more car accidents.) So when friends complain around their birthdays that theyāre āgetting older,ā I (try as politely as possible to) say, āShut the fuck up with your complaining, and try GRATITUDE for a change! You are so fortunate to have made it to this birthday, and every other birthday!ā
Little hearts. Stingray hearts. Fluttering hearts. Bruised and battered hearts. We are the lucky ones. Those of us whose hearts ā in the magical presence of blue skies and technicolour blossoms in spring ā are still beating. x And thanks for your writing, as always!
thank YOU for sharing this matthew š
first, maybe youve written about this before, but this coma story is so wild. and what came after! i definitely relate, obviously, and i feel like it (death) is one of those subjects that's just so normalized that no one talks about it hence my obsession. it's the big finale! how are we not thinking about that!!! haha
second, that's exactly it. the whole (young) culture of "life sucks now i want to die" just makes me crazy: clearly you aren't living. to me, it's definitely a lack of gratitude but also a lack of actually doing something, of being a bit too relaxed with your life. when you play an active role, you are full of meaning ā and its easy to just let it all slip by. i am trying to milk this baby!! because you never know what will happen!!!!! and, to the point of friends dying prematurely, i've had a few too and that definitely was the sort of reminder of living (and for their behalf too).
thank you for sharing as always matthew!!!!
You're totally welcome Mister Kyle! Sometimes I think it's a fine line - it's not a subject that needs to be talked about or thought about all the time by any means, but I think it should at least be DISCUSSABLE in less challenging ways.
I love your "When you play an active role, you are full of meaning." That's it pure and simple right there. Meaning could perhaps even get interchanged with AWARENESS. In that state I think you're neither obsessing nor avoiding, but you are consciously 'carrying' specific sets of thoughts that you can call upon when necessary.
And thank you as always for writing things that make me WANT to share!
Loved seeing Hip Replacement live on here! š„³
thank you queen š¤