🧧💝🎁how to give a gift 🎁💝🧧

The latest in the How To Be Creative™ series, we dive into the art of gift giving.

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I like to think that I give good gifts. Whether or not that is true is beside the point — but I do know that more often than not I get notes from people weeks later, after gifting something, sharing that an item is very much used, beloved, or generally was a great find. I take that as a very high compliment, one that is as top tier as “You smell really, really good.” Few things are greater feathers in the cap of good taste than such compliments!

Gifts are a delicate area because people invest so much money and emotion into getting and giving gifts, trying to bundle up entire relationships (and desires for relationships) upon some physical good. Atop of this — particularly for close friends and family — there comes a point where you’re trying to mind read, where you’re straddling the space between “what they want” and “what they need,” or “what they deserve” versus “what they would use.” There’s a very thin line between these states but they’re very important to keep in mind as this is where your gifts should aim to land. This is how you end up with a gift that someone talks and talks and talks about.

So how do you give a net-positive or even “life changing” gift? It’s both easier and more difficult than you think — and I’m here to help you uplevel your gift giving with some creativity, to help you get to the heart of why and what you’re giving. In a time when everything comes easily, where convenience is killing us, giving a gift is more important than ever. Let’s begin!

First, let’s define some eh gifts.

We all aspire to give “good” gifts, things that our beloved(s) would love. To level the playing field of this conversation, let’s look at examples of bad gifts with some explanation of why they weren’t great.

• A deep dive into a subject that isn’t related to my life. For example: I was once gifted a biblically inspired astronomy guide. It wasn’t something I needed or would ever use, nor were these subjects that I was interested in. This didn’t work because it just didn’t fit into my life. It went to the Goodwill.

• Vibeless wine. Wine, spirits, and softs are generally a gift that one can’t-go-wrong with but — when giving them — you have to land on someone’s taste or it will sour. Wine or drinks without swagger don’t work because it reflects a lack of vibe matching, that one truly “gets” your literal taste. (A solve though: literally give a bottle that you’ve seen someone drink before. Better yet, take said bottle to a wine store and ask for a similar bottle. Do not go to a damn supermarket — and never give moscato.)

• Something with a name on it. Unless the person you’re gifting to is under 10 or if the item is truly unique, you’re essentially giving a souvenir to a non-existent theme park. I’ve gotten shirts with my name on it, art, books, etc. all around “my name” which is very cute but makes one look like a narcissist or like they have trouble remembering their name. This doesn’t work because it feels redundant, obvious, like the only thing we can think of when thinking of each other is our names.

• Something branded. I have so many odds and ends that I’ve gotten over the years that are from X franchise that I don’t care about or have zero relationship to. A Bugs Bunny back scratcher? Yeah, who is that for? Because it’s not for me. This doesn’t work because it’s a cultural shorthand that typically doesn’t match one’s life — and it’s distilled capitalism. The surest way to invest in junk is to give a branded object.

• A gag gift without any “use.” Giving someone something to laugh at is a waste of money, at best, and is essentially giving someone garbage, at worst. Every gag gift I’ve gotten — a Chambong, rainbow shoes, a novelty record player — has ended up in a thrift store. Cute! Funny, even — but not something I need or want. If the intended use is for one time, at the party where the gift is given, immediately after gifting, then that is a failed gift. This doesn’t work because it’s waste.

• An essential that one has too much of already. Socks? Underwear? Tea towels? Blankets? All that sort of stuff is utilitarian, sure, but at a certain point (Your late twenties? Your thirties?) you’re no longer pissing and shitting yourself and likely have a washing machine and or a too stocked stash of such garments. This doesn’t work because it’s redundant.

• A living creature. Unless you are giving your spouse a dog, don’t ever give a living creature to someone because you are giving them a burden, whether they wanted it or not. A plant can be similar but any gift that requires more work by someone else is a dud. You’re giving them another job is what you’re doing.

• A tool. Before giving someone something “useful,” consider how the object is used. Does this person associate said item with work? With non-leisure? With chores? If yes, that’s not a great gift. One year, in my twenties, Bobby got me a new laptop, which was very kind and very amazing and I am now grateful for — but I was so mad at the time. It felt like a vacuum cleaner moment. This thing that I hate being on? This thing that I am required to be on? The bad screen? That’s the thinking that comes with gifting a tool: this doesn’t work because you are gifting future work (or the association thereof).

• Money in a card. We’ll talk more about this later but straight cash in a card is bad. Thoughtless! Boring. Pay pig-ish. This doesn’t work because it’s anti-creative. And you want to be known as a creative, don’t you?

By comparison, these are examples of great gifts.

Viewing the other side of the rainbow, these are gifts that I’ve gotten and loved, that I cherish to this day. Mind the ages and the relationship between people.

• A Lomography Pop9 camera when I was about 13, from my aunt to me. I used that camera a lot and still own it. It was gold! It had nine lenses!! It was a creative window for me to open and, damn, I opened it a lot. Bonus? The Warhol wrapping paper, which I hung on my wall for years.

• A pair of vintage 1950s prison-issue glasses when I was 25, from Bobby. We had gone to an eyewear shop on Melrose, where I tried them on for fun. He called the store up after and bought them. I still own them and still wear them.

• A pair of “billy” jugs in my twenties, from an old friend from high school. These are a type of Georgia folkcraft that is as odd as they are beautiful. Are they likely related to some expression of slavery? I cannot be sure but I do know that my discussing this with said friend got them digging into the history, finding some, and gifting them.

• A teapot that had a giant dick for a spout in my early thirties, given to me by a dear friend who was also a potter. He made the dick pot for Bobby and I because, yes, he thought it was funny (It is funny.) but also because it was anatomically correct, was functional, and beautiful at the same time. It was an honor to be gifted such an item.

• A cache of old artworks in my thirties, sent to me by surprise from an artist-friend who no longer had space for them. They now hang all over the apartment, reminding me of them.

So..what makes these gifts good? For one, their novelty. They are wholly unique. Beyond that, they aren’t expensive but they did require a bit of work to give. They were all unexpected, one-of-a-kind, and a sort of callback to a relationship. None of these items are something procured with immediacy but stem from our lives together, from knowing someone so well that you figured out a way to fill out their life and world in the best ways possible. That is the big win of a good gift: you filled a need and or want that someone didn’t even know that they had. They had an itch and you scratched it for them.

My biggest piece of advice? Give a piece of yourself.